I DoN’t KnOw ThE KeY Of SuCcEsS, BuT ThE KeY To FaIlUrE Is InDuLgInG In SeLf PiTy AnD ShAmE

It’s that time of the year again (common test). Is study stress making my life a misery? I always had known that I like to slack and making lots of procrastination. Otherwise, why would I think that “good is always not enough, and better is always not the best”?
I lead a “hard life” as a student, if I know what has been going through me 24hrs a day. I give myself unnecessary pain, guilt and misery by setting lofty and somewhat unrealistic goals. When I fail to meet these goals, I go through a tormenting self-blaming state. After I’m through with some “self-scolding” I would just set higher goals for myself. So it goes on and on in a cycle, making me more and more miserable. Ironically, my constant drive towards “better” has led me down a path full of “failures”. Or maybe, I just drive myself towards craziness. I know some people may reply that everything that happened to us has a reason behind it. But as far I know, the most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself.
I lived in a community and maybe just my life principles that taught me that self-criticism and self blaming are the greatest virtues that one could possibly cultivate so that I could do better the next time round. So I grew believing that everything that went wrong was my fault. For example, if I were late for school, (because the bus arrived later than normal), it was my fault (because I should have caught an earlier bus by waking up early).
But when I started blaming myself for traffic jams and long queue, I realized there was something very wrong with my way of thinking. I could never control certain things in life, no matter how much I want to! I guess I am going to freak out sooner or later, if I keep trying to do the impossible. Certain things are bound to happen, whether I like it or not.
In conclusion, self blaming is very destructive to one’s peace of mind. As someone who is very strong-willed, I know how it feels to want something very badly and yet not get it. Do you know about poetic justice or even the tortoise and hare race story? In movies, novels or even children tales, those who strive and work hard for something usually end up achieving it. But in reality, it is not always the case. Sometimes the very things we want to most in life end up being the things that we just might never get. Trust me, I am always right. So whoever read my blog, please don’t indulge in self-pity and shame. It would certainly bring to your downfall. It’s sad, I know but we just have to deal with it. Personally, I better stop such whinning and continue with my revision. Hopefully I would reinvent myself for the better. Cheers!!